Saying “No”

Saying “no” can be so hard to do. It’s the establishment of a boundary which is a struggle for many of us. It can feel like a confrontation. It may lead to disappointment in others. Saying “no” can feel like a tear in the social contract. If we are not socially obliging, we might diminish vital bonds with others. At our core, one of our greatest fears is being ostracized, and saying “no” can feel like a giant step in that direction.

These are all negative feelings associated with what is ultimately a simple response. Getting there, however, is not so simple. So let’s take a minute to consider how we might master the art of saying “no” with creativity and compassion.

Think about a situation when someone made a request that you were unable to fulfill. The reasoning doesn’t matter. Whether you didn’t have the time or the funds, or simply did not want to accept the request, what matters most is that your instinct was to say “no”. Try and recall the physical sensation that you felt when you realized you needed to say “no”. Was it a pit in your stomach, tightness in your chest or throat? Something else? How did you end up responding? Did you follow-through on saying “no” or did you go against your initial sense and acquiesce? Did you waffle? Did you accept then later decline to avoid saying “no” on the spot?

Imagine someone making a request in this moment. For one of my clients, it was a colleague asking for a favor that would lead to extra work load for him and his team. In his mind, saying “yes” would be one more step toward burn-out, while saying “no” could make him seem uncooperative. These immediate assumptions do have value: they are indicators of possible futures. They are indicators, not answers, and they lead to the most negative possibilities as an instinctual mechanism. Counter-instinctively, the next step is not to respond in either direction, but to establish the time and patience for examining the situation lightly, with a sense of curiosity, to give yourself the opportunity to make a considered response that represents your best interest.

You might need to buy a little time, even a minute, to consider your response. Cut yourself some slack. One trick is to confirm and acknowledge the request genuinely. Repeat the request in your own words to ensure common understanding. Then express your gratitude for the trust they have in you. If you have any questions you can ask them now, as well. Stretch the time to give yourself breathing room.

Most importantly, you need to get out of your head. There’s nothing wrong with asking for time to consider the request. Give yourself the grace to look into this request thoughtfully and on your time. If the request is made via text or email, you might even consider waiting 24 hours to respond at all. This helps create the space for you to get out of your head (where you access the indicators) and into your body (where you access your inner wisdom).

Use this time to connect with your body. Do something physical. In the moment, give yourself a little stretch, lightly brush your hands over your arms, gently rock back and forth, or focus on your feet in your shoes or touching the floor. If you have more time, take a short walk or sit quietly and focus solely on your breath. Dance, wash dishes, or do sun salutations. Do anything that will relocate your attention to your physical body, not your mind. This step can take place over a minute or an extended time period. The more you do it, the quicker you’ll be able to move through it.

Then, reconnect with the request. What comes up for you? Is the answer revealed? Do you have more questions? Conditions that need to be met? Expectations to be established? Hold these thoughts lightly and proceed with investigating any emerging questions or requirements. Key into any body sensations that surface as you consider the request. What feelings might you associate with those sensations? And remember to practice self-compassion: you are allowed to have questions, needs, and preferences. You are allowed the space to consider these things.

Now, is the answer “no”?

You can feel confident that your response comes from the deep well of your inner wisdom. So how might you say “no” creatively and compassionately?

Practice the generous “no”. I am inspired by Priya Parker’s concept of “generous exclusion” which is the “temporary drawing of an intentional line for the good of a meeting or gathering”. In the case of a generous “no”, it is the drawing of an intentional boundary for the good of your well-being and the quality of your work. Parker points out that a thoughtful boundary of this nature will solidify relationships in the long run because it will demonstrate a sense of intention. In her words, “It’s purposeful, not personal.” That’s powerful!

Empathize with your colleague and explain your position. My client let his colleague know that he appreciated their situation and understood the pressure they were under. He explained his current limitations and commitments and that his decision was not a reflection of the requestor’s worth. He also held space for his co-worker to express their concerns, demonstrating that he genuinely respected them.

Keep it light and friendly. My client really wanted to ensure that he maintained a strong, positive working relationship with his colleague. Therefore, he made it a point to be positive and good-humored in his response. Be firm, but kind.

Suggest alternative solutions or opportunities for future collaboration. If you have them, offer possibilities for the colleague to pursue, like a connection with someone else who might assist them more effectively. You may also suggest collaborating in the future if it is of interest to you. The idea here is to provide a warm hand-off and leave the door open for future opportunities so that a positive connection can be maintained.

Mastering the creative and compassionate “no”

The next time you are faced with a request that you’re not excited to fulfill, try these steps starting with buying time and getting out of your head. Then reflect. What was the process like for you? What was the outcome? How might you do things differently next time? With practice, you’ll move more quickly through the steps with ease. You’ll be recognized as a thoughtful, purposeful player, and you’ll be rest assured that you are operating from a place of deep inner wisdom.

If you are interested in working with me on this topic, let’s connect! We will partner to methodically increase your ability to confidently say “no” while strengthening your relationships and sense of purpose.

Please note: I generated this text in part with GPT-3, OpenAI’s large-scale language-generation model. Upon generating draft language, I researched and substantiated the content, then reviewed, edited, and revised the language to my own liking. I take ultimate responsibility for the information stated in this publication.

In creativity and compassion —